SWEET INSTITUTE – Continuing Education for Mental Health Professionals

Veteran Mental Health: Beyond PTSD

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Wed, 14 Oct 2026 21:13:09 +0000

PTSD Is Only Part of the Story Mention veteran mental health, and PTSD is often the first thing that comes to mind. There is good reason for this. PTSD can profoundly affect sleep, relationships, work, physical health, trust, emotional regulation, and the ability to feel safe. It deserves careful assessment and effective treatment. However, PTSD is only part of the story. A veteran may be struggling with depression, anxiety, substance use, chronic pain, traumatic brain injury, sleep disturbance, grief, homelessness, relationship disruption, or suicidal thoughts. Yet even this list remains incomplete because diagnoses describe only part of what a person may be experiencing. What about the veteran who no longer recognizes the person they became during military service? The veteran who misses the clarity of a mission but cannot find purpose in civilian life? The veteran who feels disconnected from people who have never shared the experience of service? The veteran carrying guilt about something done, witnessed, or left undone? The veteran who returned home physically but has never felt that they fully arrived? These experiences may not fit neatly into a diagnostic category. They may involve identity, belonging, morality, responsibility, grief, betrayal, and meaning. We must also resist assuming that every veteran has experienced combat, that every veteran exposed to trauma develops PTSD, or that every difficulty after service is caused by military experience. Veterans are not a single psychological type. They differ by service era, branch, assignment, culture, race, gender, age, discharge status, family experience, and the meaning military service holds for them. The question, therefore, cannot be only, “Does this veteran have PTSD?” We need to also ask: What has this person lived through? What has been lost? What remains unresolved? What has this veteran’s body learned to anticipate? What beliefs became necessary for survival? Where does this person now experience belonging? What gives life meaning? What does this veteran need from us, and what might we be missing because we began with a diagnosis rather than a person? PTSD matters. Yet when PTSD becomes the entire lens through which we view veteran mental health, we may identify the disorder and still fail to understand the veteran. When we look only for PTSD, we may find PTSD and miss the person carrying it. Join us on Friday, November 13, 2026, from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. ET for Veteran Mental Health: Beyond PTSD—From Understanding to Transformation, a four-hour interactive virtual conference. Together, we will move beyond diagnosis to explore the whole veteran and translate deeper understanding into more responsive, effective, and transformative care. Register today

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Judgment: The Courage to Decide Before You Know Everything

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Mon, 12 Oct 2026 11:28:13 +0000

“How much more information do you need?” the facilitator asked. “I’m not sure,” the learner replied. “What are you still trying to find out?” After a pause, the learner said, “I guess I’m trying to make sure I make the right decision.” The facilitator asked, “And when will you know that?” The learner looked puzzled. “Know what?” “That it is the right decision.” After thinking for a moment, the learner answered, “Probably afterward.” The facilitator smiled. “Then perhaps you have reached the part that information alone cannot solve.” There comes a point in many important decisions when another article, another consultation, another meeting, another spreadsheet, another opinion, or another hour of thinking will not eliminate uncertainty. We may know a great deal. We may have examined the evidence carefully, considered alternative explanations, questioned our assumptions, and sought perspectives different from our own. Yet something remains unknown. And still, a decision has to be made. This is where judgment begins. Judgment Begins Where Certainty Ends If every important decision came with complete information and a guaranteed outcome, we would need far less judgment. We would simply identify the correct answer and implement it. But many of the decisions that matter most do not arrive that way. We have to decide whether to accept an opportunity, leave a situation, hire someone, intervene now or continue observing, have a difficult conversation, change a treatment plan, invest additional resources, trust someone again, say yes, or say no. We can gather information about these questions. We can identify risks, probabilities, precedents, principles, and possible consequences. However, information rarely removes every unknown. Judgment is the capacity to move from what we know to what we will do despite what we cannot yet know. That makes judgment fundamentally different from certainty. Certainty says, “I know what will happen.” Judgment says, “I know enough to decide.” More Information Is Not Always Better We often assume that better decisions require more information. Sometimes they do. Acting prematurely can produce avoidable mistakes, and thoughtful decision-making often requires slowing down, seeking evidence, and resisting impulsive conclusions. Yet information has diminishing returns. The first pieces of information may dramatically improve our understanding. Additional information may refine it further. Eventually, however, we may reach a point where we are no longer meaningfully improving the decision. We are postponing it. At that point, the search for information can become a sophisticated form of avoidance. We tell ourselves, “I need one more opinion,” “Let me schedule one more meeting,” “I should think about it another week,” or “I need to do more research.” Sometimes that is exactly what responsible decision-making requires. But sometimes what we really mean is, “I do not want to experience the discomfort of choosing.” Judgment requires learning to recognize the difference. Analysis and Judgment Are Not the Same Analysis decomposes a problem. It asks what the variables are, what evidence exists, what explanations are plausible, what we know, what we do not know, and what consequences might follow. Judgment integrates all of that information and asks a different question: Given everything we know, what deserves to be done? This distinction matters because a person can be extraordinarily good at analysis and still struggle to decide. In fact, greater intelligence and knowledge can sometimes generate more possibilities, more contingencies, and more reasons to continue thinking. Every option has disadvantages. Every prediction contains uncertainty. Every plan contains risk. If the standard for action becomes the elimination of all uncertainty, action may never come. Judgment accepts something analysis alone cannot resolve: a decision can be reasonable without being guaranteed. Good Decisions Can Produce Bad Outcomes This may be one of the hardest principles of judgment to accept. We often evaluate the quality of a decision by its outcome. If the outcome was good, we assume the decision must have been good. If the outcome was bad, we conclude that someone must have made a bad decision. But decisions and outcomes are not identical. A person can make a thoughtful, evidence-informed, ethically sound decision and still encounter an unfavorable outcome because outcomes depend on factors that were not fully predictable or controllable. The reverse is also true: someone can make a reckless decision and get lucky. If we judge every decision exclusively by what happened afterward, we risk learning the wrong lessons. Research on judgment and decision-making has long demonstrated how uncertainty, probability, heuristics, and retrospective knowledge can influence how people evaluate choices (Tversky & Kahneman, 1974; Fischhoff, 1975). Once we know what happened, the outcome can appear more predictable than it actually was beforehand. This is hindsight bias. The mature question is therefore not merely, “Did it work?” It is also, “Given what was reasonably knowable at the time, was this a sound decision?” Judgment and the SWEET Paradigm This is why one of the most important questions in the SWEET Formula is the final one: Then what? We can ask what happened, who is involved, why something may be occurring, how it developed, when it happens, and where context matters. Those questions deepen understanding. Yet education cannot end with understanding. Eventually we ought to ask: Then what will you do? That question moves us from information to implementation, from intellectual understanding to experiential learning, and from knowing to doing. The goal is not impulsivity. We need to gather evidence, ask questions, and seek perspectives that challenge our assumptions. We need to remain curious and humble. However, eventually, learning has to enter life. Sometimes the next step is to learn more. Other times, the next step is to wait. Still other times, the next step is to decide. Knowing When You Know Enough Perhaps good judgment can therefore be understood as knowing the difference between uncertainty that requires more learning and uncertainty that requires courage. Before an important decision, ask yourself two questions. What important information am I still missing? Then ask: If I obtained that information, could it realistically change my decision? If the answer is yes, keep learning. If the answer […]

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Remembering – SWEET Reflections

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Sun, 11 Oct 2026 13:52:05 +0000

Sometimes We Do Not Need Another Answer. We Need to Remember We spend much of our lives searching for answers. Another book, another insight, another conversation, another strategy, and another explanation. Sometimes we genuinely need something new. Yet sometimes what we need most is something we already know. We know that one difficult moment does not define an entire life. We know that emotions change. We know that relationships require attention. We know that our bodies need rest. We also know that avoiding a difficult conversation rarely makes it easier. We know that comparison steals our attention from the life directly in front of us. We know that the people we love will not be here forever. Yet knowing something once does not mean we will remember it when we need it most. That may be one of the great challenges of being human. We forget. Remembering invites us to reconsider transformation as more than the endless acquisition of new knowledge. Sometimes growth means returning to truths we have already encountered and allowing them to become real again. Wisdom is not merely what we know. Wisdom is what we can remember to live. The SWEET Insight We often assume that change requires another insight. Sometimes it requires remembering an old one at the right moment. The challenge is not simply learning patience. It is remembering patience when we are frustrated, and not simply understanding compassion. It is remembering compassion when we have been hurt, and not simply believing in our worth. It is remembering our worth when rejection makes us question it. In other words, the distance between knowing and living is often the distance between forgetting and remembering. Insight in Action Choose one truth you already know but frequently forget. Write it somewhere you will see it. Then ask yourself: “When do I most need to remember this?” Perhaps before a difficult meeting, or during conflict, or when you feel discouraged, or exhausted. When you begin comparing yourself with someone else. Create one cue that brings the truth back to you at precisely that moment. The insight that changes your life may not be the next one you discover. t may be the one you finally remember when it matters. Quote of the Week “Wisdom is not merely what we know. Wisdom is what we can remember to live.” SWEET Call to Action If you have ever known exactly what you needed to do yet struggled to access that wisdom when you needed it most, Remembering is for you. Read it, reflect on it, return to it; and perhaps instead of asking: “What else do I need to learn?” ask: “What do I already know that I need to remember?” For sometimes transformation does not begin with discovering something new. It begins with remembering what was already there. — With presence and remembrance, The SWEET Institute

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The Relationship Between Intention and Impact: Why Good Intentions Are Not Always Enough

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Sat, 10 Oct 2026 13:11:54 +0000

One of the most difficult discoveries in relationships is that we can genuinely mean well and still cause harm. We may offer advice because we care, only to leave someone feeling judged. We may remain silent because we want to avoid conflict, only to leave another person feeling abandoned. We may work tirelessly to provide for our family while unintentionally becoming emotionally unavailable to the people we are working so hard to support. We may tell someone the truth because we value honesty, yet communicate it in a way that leaves them feeling humiliated rather than understood. In each case, our intention may be sincere, but the impact may be different from what we intended. This distinction matters because we often evaluate ourselves by what we meant to do while evaluating others by what their behavior did to us. Research on interpersonal perception and the illusion of transparency suggests that people frequently overestimate how clearly their internal intentions and feelings are communicated to others (Gilovich et al., 1998). Research on close relationships also emphasizes that feeling understood, validated, and cared for depends not simply on what one person intends but on how responsiveness is communicated and perceived (Reis et al., 2004). Your intention explains where your behavior came from. Its impact reveals what happened when that behavior reached another human being. A healthy relationship requires us to care about both. The challenge begins when someone tells us that our behavior hurt them. Instead of becoming curious, we may immediately defend our intention: That is not what I meant. You misunderstood me. I was only trying to help. You know I would never deliberately hurt you. These responses may be factually accurate, but they can unintentionally communicate that our innocence matters more than the other person’s experience. At the same time, impact does not automatically establish intention, and another person’s interpretation is not necessarily the complete account of what happened. Someone may feel rejected even when rejection was never intended. Someone may experience criticism where constructive feedback was offered. Someone may feel abandoned when another person establishes a legitimate boundary. The SWEET Inside-Out Paradigm invites us to move beyond choosing between intention and impact. Instead, we ask: What did I intend? What did the other person experience? What actually happened? What meaning did each of us assign to it? And what can we learn from the difference? This requires the capacity to recognize another person’s internal experience without automatically adopting their interpretation as objective fact. Research on mentalization highlights the importance of recognizing that our own mental states and those of others are distinct, partially accessible, and sometimes misunderstood (Fonagy et al., 2002). Research on conflict communication likewise suggests that the effectiveness of communication depends on context, the nature of the problem, and how partners respond to one another (Overall & McNulty, 2017). The goal is therefore neither endless self-defense nor automatic self-blame. It is shared understanding accompanied by appropriate responsibility. The SWEET Four Layers of Transformation help us understand why the gap between intention and impact can be so emotionally charged. At the conscious layer, we examine what we intended, what we actually said or did, and what impact was reported. At the preconscious layer, we notice the nearly automatic reactions that arise when someone tells us we caused harm: tightening in the chest, the urge to explain, irritation at being misunderstood, or the impulse to apologize immediately just to escape discomfort. At the unconscious layer, we explore what deeper meaning the accusation may awaken. Does causing harm mean, somewhere inside us, that we are a bad person? Does being misunderstood reactivate earlier experiences of unfair blame? Does acknowledging another person’s pain threaten an identity built around being helpful, loving, competent, or responsible? Conversely, when we are the person who feels hurt, does the impact awaken older experiences of invisibility, rejection, or humiliation that intensify the present moment? T Then comes the existential layer, where the question becomes: Who do I choose to be when the person I believe myself to be is not the person someone else experienced in that moment? The Body–Mind–Meaning framework gives us a way forward. Body: Can I remain present long enough to hear difficult feedback without becoming overwhelmed or defensive? Mind: Can I distinguish intention, observable behavior, impact, and interpretation without collapsing them into one story? Meaning: Can I allow another person’s experience to teach me something without making that experience the final definition of who I am? This is where relational accountability becomes an opportunity for transformation rather than a verdict on identity. This week’s SWEET practice is called The Intention–Impact Inquiry. Think of one recent interaction in which someone reacted differently from what you expected. Ask yourself four questions: What was my intention? What did I actually communicate or do? What impact did the other person report or demonstrate? What might I do differently while remaining true to my values? If the relationship is safe and the conversation is appropriate, consider asking the other person directly: “I want to understand something. My intention was to help, but I recognize that my words may not have landed that way. Can you tell me what the experience was like for you?” Then listen without immediately defending yourself. You may discover that you need to apologize. You may discover that your message was appropriate but your delivery was not. You may learn that the other person’s interpretation was influenced by experiences you could not have anticipated. You may also discover that your intention and behavior were reasonable and that no apology for the boundary or decision itself is necessary. Whatever emerges, the goal is greater awareness, not compulsory agreement. The SWEET Insight is this: Good intentions are important, but they are not the end of responsibility. And painful impact deserves attention, but it does not automatically prove harmful intention. Relational maturity begins when we can hold both truths without needing either one to erase the other. The SWEET Healing Circles for Relationships help participants […]

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From Regaining Safety to Reclaiming Agency (continued)

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:00:31 +0000

Motivational interviewing offers a useful perspective here. Rather than assuming that professionals must supply the motivation for change, we can recognize that individuals already possess values, aspirations, concerns, strengths, and reasons for wanting their lives to be different. Our responsibility is to help them explore these motivations, identify barriers, strengthen confidence, and translate their intentions into meaningful action. This requires curiosity, collaboration, and respect for the individual’s right to determine their own priorities. The distinction is particularly important in the context of intimate partner violence. When someone has experienced prolonged coercion, the restoration of autonomy is not merely an ethical consideration. It can become an essential dimension of recovery. Every opportunity to make a meaningful choice, establish a boundary, express a preference, or influence a decision can contribute to rebuilding a sense of personal agency. Perhaps we need to therefore measure recovery not only by the reduction of symptoms but also by the expansion of possibilities. Is the person increasingly able to make decisions without fear? Are they developing relationships in which their boundaries are respected? Are they reconnecting with meaningful activities? Are they becoming more confident in their judgment? Are they beginning to imagine a future that is not primarily organized around avoiding danger? These questions invite us to understand healing as something larger than symptom reduction. Healing Is Also a Community Responsibility Although intimate partner violence occurs within relationships, its consequences extend far beyond them. Abuse can disrupt employment, education, housing, parenting, financial security, physical health, and social participation. Children may experience profound consequences from exposure to violence. Families and communities may struggle to respond, particularly when resources are limited or when cultural expectations discourage disclosure. For these reasons, healing cannot be treated exclusively as an individual psychological task. A person may make extraordinary progress in therapy while continuing to face housing instability, financial insecurity, legal challenges, discrimination, or inadequate access to healthcare. These circumstances can interfere with recovery even when motivation and psychological insight are strong. Communities and institutions therefore have responsibilities that extend beyond identifying abuse. They must help create environments in which safety, connection, opportunity, and meaningful participation become possible. This includes accessible healthcare, trauma-informed services, legal advocacy, economic opportunities, supportive housing, culturally responsive care, and prevention efforts that challenge the social conditions allowing violence and coercion to persist. A truly comprehensive response asks not only how individuals can recover from abusive relationships, but also how families, organizations, and communities can become places where healthy relationships are more likely to develop and where people experiencing abuse can obtain meaningful support. From Surviving the Past to Creating the Future There is another dimension of healing that deserves attention: the possibility of rediscovering meaning. When someone has spent years organizing life around survival, the future may initially feel difficult to imagine. Much of their attention may have been devoted to anticipating danger, managing another person’s emotions, protecting children, or simply getting through each day. Questions about personal fulfillment, purpose, creativity, relationships, and aspirations may have received little attention. As safety and stability improve, new questions can emerge. What kind of life do I want to build? What relationships do I want to cultivate? What matters most to me? What possibilities have I not yet explored? What would it mean to live according to my own values rather than someone else’s demands? These questions do not minimize the significance of what happened. Nor do they imply that trauma must produce personal growth. No one should be expected to find a benefit in having experienced abuse. Rather, they recognize that a person’s future need not be entirely determined by their past. Healing can include the possibility of developing new relationships, discovering new strengths, pursuing meaningful goals, and experiencing joy without requiring the individual to deny or erase their history. The goal is not to transform suffering into an obligation to become stronger. It is to ensure that suffering does not become the only story the person is permitted to tell about their life. The Real Meaning of Healing Throughout this series, we have explored intimate partner violence from four interconnected perspectives. First, we challenged the assumption that domestic violence must involve visible physical injury. We examined coercive control and the gradual erosion of autonomy. Second, we reconsidered the question of why people remain in abusive relationships, recognizing that decisions occur within complex circumstances shaped by attachment, fear, resources, responsibilities, and danger. Third, we explored what happens when someone discloses abuse and how our response can either strengthen or undermine safety, trust, and agency. This final article brings us to a broader question: What are we ultimately trying to make possible? Certainly, we want violence to stop. We want people to be safe. We want injuries prevented, threats addressed, and immediate risks reduced. But if our vision ends there, we risk defining recovery entirely by the absence of what was harmful. Healing asks us to consider the presence of what makes life meaningful. The presence of safety rather than the constant anticipation of danger. The presence of autonomy rather than coercion. The presence of relationships grounded in respect rather than fear. The presence of opportunities rather than restrictions. The presence of purpose, belonging, and hope. Perhaps this is the most important distinction of all: Survival is about making it through what is happening. Healing is about expanding what becomes possible afterward. For helping professionals, this distinction changes the nature of our work. We are not simply identifying problems, reducing symptoms, or arranging services. We are participating in a process through which individuals may gradually reclaim their capacity to shape their own lives. Perhaps the most powerful measure of our success is not whether someone eventually lives the life we believe they should live, but whether they increasingly have the safety, resources, confidence, and freedom to choose the life they want. The ultimate goal is not merely a life without abuse. It is a life in which safety, dignity, connection, meaning, and freedom can flourish. Selected References American Psychological Association. […]

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Discernment: Not Everything Deserves Equal Weight

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Mon, 05 Oct 2026 09:58:08 +0000

“I’m trying to stay open-minded,” the learner said. “That sounds useful,” the facilitator replied. “The problem is that now I’m questioning everything.” The facilitator smiled. “That may not be open-mindedness.” “What is it?” “Possibly the beginning of another problem.” The learner looked confused. “If humility teaches me that I may be wrong, shouldn’t I keep considering every possibility?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because being willing to reconsider your beliefs does not mean every alternative deserves equal consideration.” That distinction may be one of the most important in mature learning. Curiosity teaches us to look again. Humility reminds us that our first interpretation may be incomplete. However, neither curiosity nor humility requires us to remain indefinitely uncertain. At some point, we have to evaluate what we have found. We have to distinguish stronger evidence from weaker evidence, plausible explanations from implausible ones, important information from distraction, and what merely sounds convincing from what actually deserves our confidence. We need discernment, and openness is not the destination. There is enormous value in an open mind. Without openness, learning becomes difficult because new information is filtered through conclusions that have already hardened. We become less able to notice contradictions, less willing to examine assumptions, and more likely to defend what we already believe. Yet openness alone is not enough. Imagine a person researching a health question. Within minutes, they encounter a professional guideline, a peer-reviewed study, a social media post, a personal testimonial, an advertisement, an expert interview, a discussion forum, and a video from someone who speaks with extraordinary confidence. All of these are information. They are not all equally reliable. A learner who has been taught only to “consider different perspectives” may feel obligated to place every claim beside every other claim as though fairness requires equal weight. However, fairness requires that claims be evaluated appropriately. Open-mindedness asks us to consider. Discernment asks us to weigh. Information Is not knowledge. We live in an extraordinary moment in human history. More information is available to more people, more quickly, than at almost any previous point in human existence. A question that once required a library, an expert, or days of investigation can now produce thousands of answers in seconds. Yet access to information creates a new educational problem. When information was scarce, learning often focused on finding it. When information becomes abundant, learning increasingly requires deciding what deserves attention, what deserves trust, and what deserves to be ignored. More information does not automatically produce more knowledge. Sometimes it produces more noise. A person can spend hours reading and emerge less informed than when they began because information varies in quality, relevance, context, and evidentiary strength. The capacity to retrieve information therefore becomes less valuable if it is not accompanied by the capacity to evaluate it. This is why critical thinking cannot simply mean “thinking about things carefully.” It requires standards by which claims are examined. What is the source? What evidence supports the claim? How strong is that evidence? What are the limitations? What alternative explanations exist? Is the conclusion proportionate to the evidence? What information would change the conclusion? These are questions of discernment, for, not every perspective is equally supported. This can be uncomfortable because contemporary conversations often emphasize the importance of hearing multiple perspectives. That principle matters, as different perspectives can reveal assumptions, illuminate blind spots, and expose dimensions of a problem that one viewpoint alone may miss. However, respecting a person is not the same as treating every claim as equally accurate. Two people may sincerely disagree. Both deserve dignity. Their claims still require examination. One explanation may have substantial empirical support while another has little. One source may have direct knowledge while another is repeating hearsay. One conclusion may account for most available evidence while another depends upon ignoring inconvenient facts. Intellectual humility does not require pretending those differences do not exist. In fact, genuine humility requires something more difficult: being willing to follow the evidence even when it supports a conclusion we did not initially prefer. Discernment therefore protects humility from collapsing into relativism. “I could be wrong” does not mean “there is no better or worse answer.” It means: “I will try to make my confidence proportionate to the evidence.” In other words, discernment requires slowing down. Many poor judgments do not occur because people lack intelligence. They occur because conclusions arrive before sufficient examination. Something feels right, someone sounds authoritative, a story is emotionally powerful, a claim confirms what we already suspected, a person we trust shares it. We react. Research on judgment and decision-making has demonstrated how cognitive shortcuts can be enormously useful while also leaving us vulnerable to predictable errors, particularly when problems are complex or information is incomplete (Tversky & Kahneman, 1974; Kahneman, 2011). Discernment often begins by creating a pause between information and conclusion. Wait. How do I know this? That pause may last seconds in an ordinary conversation or weeks in a complex professional decision. The duration matters less than the function. We interrupt automatic acceptance. We investigate, for while expertise can help, it can also mislead. Expertise plays an important role in discernment because experienced people often recognize distinctions that beginners cannot yet see. A novice hears several explanations and finds each plausible. An expert may immediately notice that one explanation contradicts a foundational principle, ignores an important variable, or rests on weak evidence. That is one of the benefits of expertise. However, as we explored in our discussions of curiosity and humility, expertise also creates its own risks. Familiarity can encourage premature closure. Previous success can make an old framework feel universally applicable. Status can make others less likely to challenge our judgment. Discernment therefore requires both knowledge and self-scrutiny. We need enough expertise to recognize patterns and enough humility to ask whether this situation actually fits the pattern we recognize. The mature learner does not choose between expertise and openness. The mature learner learns how to use both. Consider a person presenting with fatigue, poor concentration, […]

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SWEET Reflections: Determined to See

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Sun, 04 Oct 2026 12:13:58 +0000

We Do Not Simply See the World. We See Through Ourselves. We like to believe that seeing is straightforward. Something happens, we observe it, and we know what it means. Yet human beings rarely encounter reality without interpretation. Two people can witness the same interaction and leave with entirely different understandings of what happened. One sees rejection; another sees distraction. One sees resistance; another sees fear. One sees failure; another sees learning. One sees a difficult person; another sees a person having difficulty. The event may be the same, but the meaning is not. Our histories, expectations, fears, beliefs, identities, relationships, and previous experiences all influence what captures our attention and how we interpret what we find. Determined to See invites us to become more curious about the difference between what is in front of us and what we bring to the act of seeing it. Sometimes we are not responding only to what happened. We are responding to what we believe happened. The SWEET Truth Seeing is never entirely passive. We select, interpret, fill in gaps, make meaning, and then we often respond to that meaning as though it were the event itself. This does not mean that reality is whatever we want it to be. It means that wisdom requires enough humility to ask: “What else might I be missing?” Insight in Action The next time you find yourself certain about another person’s motives, pause. Separate what you observed from what you interpreted. What did the person actually say or do? Then ask: “What meaning did I give it?” And finally: “What is another plausible way of understanding what happened?” You do not have to abandon your first interpretation. Simply make room for a second one. Sometimes that small space between observation and interpretation changes everything that follows. Quote of the Week “We do not simply see what is there. We also see through everything we bring with us.” SWEET Call to Action If you are ready to become more curious about how perception shapes your relationships, decisions, leadership, clinical work, and understanding of yourself, Determined to See is for you. Read it, reflect on it, and practice looking again. Because perhaps one of the most important forms of wisdom is not seeing more. It is becoming aware of how we see. With curiosity and openness, The SWEET Institute

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Knowing About Someone Is Not the Same as Knowing Them

Mardoche Sidor, MD and Karen Dubin, PhD, LCSW — Sat, 03 Oct 2026 12:39:30 +0000

We can know an extraordinary amount about someone and still barely know the person. We can know their history, preferences, habits, diagnoses, strengths, vulnerabilities, routines, childhood stories, favorite foods, political views, and the details of what happened to them, and gradually mistake accumulated information for intimacy. Knowing a person is different. To know someone requires encountering them as they are becoming, not merely remembering who they have been. Human beings are not static collections of facts. We change through experience, relationships, losses, achievements, disappointments, aging, reflection, and choices. Research on close relationships suggests that feeling understood and responded to by another person is central to intimacy, while self-expansion research highlights the ways relationships can participate in growth and changes in the self (Reis & Shaver, 1988; Aron et al., 1991). The danger in long relationships is therefore surprisingly simple: familiarity can create the illusion that curiosity is no longer necessary. We stop asking because we believe we already know. The moment we become certain that we know someone completely may be the moment we stop truly knowing them. This can happen quietly. A parent continues relating to the adult child they remember at sixteen. A partner assumes that because something mattered ten years ago, it matters in exactly the same way today. A friend predicts what the other person will say and stops listening before the sentence is finished. We begin interacting not only with the person in front of us but with an internal representation constructed from thousands of previous encounters. Those representations are necessary; without them, every interaction would begin from zero. Attachment theory describes internal working models that help organize expectations of ourselves and others, while research on close relationships shows that expectations and perceptions can influence how partners interpret and respond to one another (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016; Murray et al., 1996). However. the map is never the territory. The person we know internally and the person sitting across from us are not necessarily identical. The SWEET Inside-Out Paradigm therefore introduces a relational discipline: replace certainty with curiosity. Instead of “I know how you are,” ask, “Who are you here, now?” Instead of “You always do this,” ask, “What is happening for you this time?” Instead of assuming that silence means what it meant before, become curious about what it means today. This is not relational amnesia. It is allowing history to inform the present without allowing history to imprison it. The SWEET Four Layers of Transformation make this challenge deeply personal because our certainty about others often reveals something about ourselves. At the conscious layer, we notice the labels and conclusions we carry: She is sensitive. He avoids conflict. They don’t listen. She always needs reassurance. At the preconscious layer, we notice how quickly these conclusions shape perception before genuine inquiry begins. We anticipate the response, complete the other person’s thought, selectively notice confirming evidence, and sometimes miss information that contradicts the story we already hold. At the unconscious layer, we ask why certainty may feel safer than curiosity. Perhaps truly encountering another person’s changing reality introduces uncertainty. Perhaps their growth threatens a role we have come to depend upon. Perhaps allowing them to change means we may also have to change. Perhaps we prefer the person we know because that person is predictable. Then comes the existential layer: Can I love someone without requiring them to remain who they were when I learned how to love them? The Body–Mind–Meaning framework turns this into practice. Body: Can I remain present when someone surprises me rather than immediately forcing the new information into an old category? Mind: Can I notice when expectation has replaced observation? Meaning: Can relationship become a place where two people repeatedly discover one another rather than gradually reduce one another to familiar stories? To know another human being, then, is not an achievement we complete. It is an encounter we must continually renew. This week’s SWEET practice is called Meet Them Again. Choose someone you believe you know extremely well. During one conversation this week, deliberately suspend one assumption about them and ask a question whose answer you genuinely do not know. What has been on your mind lately that we haven’t talked about? What feels different for you these days? What are you becoming interested in? What are you struggling with that I may not see? Is there something about you that you think I still misunderstand? Then resist the temptation to translate their answer immediately into what you already know. Listen for what is new. Afterward, turn the Inside-Out lens toward yourself: What surprised me? What assumption did I discover? What might I need to update? The SWEET Insight is this: Knowing about someone is built from yesterday’s information. Knowing someone requires today’s attention. The SWEET Healing Circles for Relationships help participants practice this kind of presence through the Inside-Out Paradigm, the SWEET Four Layers of Transformation, and Body–Mind–Meaning. The Circles take place on Saturdays from 10:00 AM to 3:00 PM, with intentionally limited spots to preserve depth, psychological safety, and meaningful participation. Reach out to inquire about the next SWEET Healing Circle for Relationships. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer another human being is not simply to say, “I know you.” It is to keep asking, with genuine curiosity: “Who are you becoming?” Scientific References Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Tudor, M., & Nelson, G. (1991). Close relationships as including other in the self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(2), 241–253. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98. Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. Aron […]

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