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How to Respond to Someone Who is Angry?

There are several reasons why someone gets angry[1]. First, how do we find out what these reasons are, and second, how do we respond to the individual in a way that addresses these specific reasons. Let’s try to accomplish both below:

  1. Someone may get angry because they feel stuck regarding an important goal that they have been trying to achieve.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Some may feel they or someone they care about are being attacked by others.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may feel they are losing power or status.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may feel they are losing respect or are being disrespected.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may feel that they are not having or have not had things turn out as expected.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may get angry because they are experiencing physical pain.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may get angry because they are experiencing emotional pain.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may get angry because they feel they have been treated unfairly

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may get angry because they think and feel they are right.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

  1. Someone may get angry because they have been ruminating about the situation that triggered the anger in the first place.

As a clinician, or therapist, you say:

Why are we saying, “it seems as if”?

Here is why: Because we tend to defend against our feelings and emotions, especially when we think they are not socially acceptable, or when we think we “should” not have these kinds of thoughts[2]. These are part of the myths associated with emotions, and our patients and clients are often at the mercy of these myths, which is one of the reasons why they tend to struggle with emotion regulation[3].

And, we can help them. We do so by allowing them to save face whenever we are talking to them about their emotions. It is best to be authentic, while meeting them where they are, using neutral language, and following the principle of language synchronization.

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[1] Berkowitz, Leonard, and Eddie Harmon-Jones. “Toward an understanding of the determinants of anger.” Emotion 4.2 (2004): 107.

[2] Bodenhausen, Galen V., Lori A. Sheppard, and Geoffrey P. Kramer. “Negative affect and social judgment: The differential impact of anger and sadness.” European Journal of social psychology 24.1 (1994): 45-62.

[3] Moyal, Natali, et al. “Emotion regulation as a main mechanism of change in psychotherapy.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences 38 (2015).

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