The Worthiness Exercise

She cries all the time, either she is not aware of it or does not care that her mother has barely had any sleep and is trying to catch up a bit. When she’s hungry, she cries to let her mother know that she is hungry. When she’s wet, she cries to let her mother know that she is wet. And, when she’s sleepy, she starts to cry to let her mother know that she’s sleepy.

One day, she starts talking. She still cries, but now, whenever she wants her mother to know she also tells her, using her words. When she puts her toy on the floor, and another boy tries to play with it, she snatches it out of his hands, shouting at the top of her lungs, “mine!” Her father intervenes, taking it personally, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and, says to himself, “How embarrassing. They must think we are bad parents raising a selfish kid.” In his state of shame, embarrassment, and guilt, he scolds her, in front of everyone, trying to displace his own shame, embarrassment, and guilt. She hears it all, but it has not deterred her, because the next time she sees another boy playing with her toys, she snatches it out his hands, shouting at the top of her lungs, “mine!” Once more, her father intervenes, taking it personally, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and says to himself, “How embarrassing. They must think we are bad parents raising a selfish kid.” In his state of shame, embarrassment, and guilt, he scolds her, again, in front of everyone, trying to displace his own shame, embarrassment, and guilt. This happens again and again, and by age 3 the internalization process starts to take place, whereby, she starts to pay closer attention to what is accepted by those around her and what is not. For example, she has stopped crying when she is sleepy, hungry, or wet.  She does not want to “bother” her parents. For she vows to be the “good girl,” that she perceives that her parents want her to be. She vows to do exactly what is accepted at home, and in school, otherwise, she might feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed. She might be punished for being “bad,” and feels that if she does not receive the Goldstar, it will mean that she is not a “good girl.”  She continues to work hard to be the “good girl,” but she keeps messing up, until she decides and tells herself, “That’s it. I’m bad. And I’m not worthy of anything good, as a result.”

All of us were that little girl.  All of us went through the same process, just in different shades; giving up our freedom, socializing ourselves, doing our best to be “good,” until we got to the point where we resign ourselves and say, “I’m just not worthy. I’m just bad. What’s the point of trying?”

 The next time you meet with your patients and clients, remember that they were that little girl or little boy, too. You will remember that they do not believe that they are worthy. As such, it may be ineffective for you to continue to help them “change,” without taking a step back and addressing that core belief of theirs that they are not worthy. You can address that. You will address it. And you will do so using The Worthiness Exercise, through the following steps:

1. The patient is to select areas of their lives where they don’t feel worthy

2. The patient is to select and schedule 5 minutes, three times a day for this exercise

3. During each one of those intervals, the patient will select one area at a time, and do this exercise with that area three times, using a different pronoun, each time (I, You, He/she)

4. The patient will proceed to the next area, using the same formula (three times, using a different pronoun, each time)

5. The patient will repeat step 4 until each area identified in step 1 has been taken through the process while making sure to practice this at least three times a day.

Here is an example:

1. Selecting areas of my life where I don’t feel worthy: A. Love; B. Attention; C. Success; D. Happiness

2. Selecting 5 minutes three times a day for me to do this exercise: A. 5 minutes, first thing when I wake up in the morning, (otherwise, between flossing and brushing my teeth; B. 5 minutes between the end of lunchtime and resuming working; C. 5 minutes immediately before I fall asleep (otherwise, for sure between brushing my teeth at night and going to bed)

3. Using one area at a time three times, using a different pronoun, each time:

   • I, Mardoche, am worthy to be loved

   • You, Mardoche, are worthy to be loved

   • He, Mardoche, is worthy to be loved

4. Proceeding to the next area, using the same formula: Happiness:

   • I, Mardoche, am worthy to be happy

   • You, Mardoche, are worthy to be happy

   • He, Mardoche, is worthy to be happy

5. Repeat step 4 until done with each area identified in step 1: Attention; Success

Conclusion:

The neuroscience, cognitive and behavioral basis for The Worthiness Exercise will be dealt with in a subsequent article, where we will also talk further about indications for this exercise, how it is best used, and some recommendations.

Meanwhile, do we not feel fortunate that in the field of mental health, knowledge doubles every eighteen months.  We are fortunate to also have a space where we can still benefit from the latest knowledge and properly implement it to make a real difference in the lives of our patients and clients.

Well, we are glad to be part of the SWEET community, and we are glad you are too.

Until soon and with love,
Karen and Mardoche