Our Relationship with Results

Do you happen to know anyone who seems to be a conference junkie, training junkie, or a book junkie; yet their results continue to be the same? You see, it is not about the fact that they attend an unlimited number of conferences or trainings or read a high volume of books. Rather, it is about the fact that their results continue to be the same despite all the information and experiences they are gathering.

Why such a discrepancy? This is due to the fact that we tend to have an unhealthy relationship with results.

For example:

1. One way we may be relating to our results is by ignoring them, pretending they were not present, denying them, and hoping that things will just work out. This type of way of relating to our results is not interference, per se. The actual interference is the unconscious patterns that underlie such a response, or such a relationship. You see, denial is a defense mechanism[1]. This means it is unconscious. And it is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms, that is, one of the defense mechanisms that interfere the most with an individual’s wellbeing, and therefore, have very serious consequences. This is because when we unconsciously deny, we fail to relate to the experience in a healthy way. We fail to relate to the experience for the opportunity that it is; and therefore, we fail to shift.
2. A second way of relating to our results is through anxious attachment[2], which is also known as unhealthy attachment. In this instance, we know that results matter, we believe that only results matter, and we relate to results in an unhealthy way. The unhealthy aspect of all this has to do with the type of unconscious pattern that underlies such a set of behavior, or such a relationship with results. And in this scenario, the pattern is one of fear, doubt, worries, and an “in order to” attitude. In other words, we tend to relate to results as “if it does not take place exactly as I want it, then it is not good enough, or it is a failure;” or “if this does not happen, then I will not be able to do that…”; or “this is my life. Without this, I will never be happy, I am not smart, or it proves that I really do not have what it takes.” The number of Cognitive Errors[3] in this type of thinking that underlies this way of relating to results is both obvious and alarming. But there is also a cognitive bias associated with this type of relationship, and it is known as planning fallacy[4]. Simply put, planning fallacy refers to our tendency to miscalculate time. As a result, we either tend to not allow sufficient time for something, or we wait for too long before we choose to change course. As you’re paying closer attention, you can clearly see the “all or nothing” pattern in this response, as well.  Now, because of the planning fallacy, we often find ourselves jumping to conclusions. We are doing that without being aware of it, and it then becomes easy for us to just give up or become worried about it because we are not getting the desired results, anyway, or, we just make it about us. In the first scenario (giving up), there is often the presence of emotional reasoning[5]. In the second scenario (worrying about the results), we are interfering with the process, unknowingly. And in the third scenario (making it about us), there is the presence of personalizing, generalization, labeling, and the ramifications thereof.
3. A third way of relating to results is to pretend they do not really matter. We are not denying them. We are not hoping they go away by themselves. Rather, we’re saying, they matter not. Just like in the first way of relating, what is problematic here is not the fact that we say results do not matter. Rather, it is about the unconscious pattern that underlies such a relationship. Usually, what is truly happening unconsciously is a fight against what is. We try to fight it by using words that it “does not matter,” when in fact, our emotions, our body language, our body sensations, or our thoughts are truly telling us otherwise. In other words, our unconscious mind is betraying us, once again, and no matter how much we keep saying, “This result does not matter,” or “that result does not matter,” the results still persist and they, actually get more evident, with time.
4. What do we then do with all that?

One thing that is clear here is the need for us to rely more on our unconscious mind and less on our conscious mind when it comes to our relationship to our results.

Relying more on our unconscious mind entails:

1. Making use of Unconscious-based Interventions to be in direct contact with our unconscious mind as often as possible
2. Using the RFI triad to enhance the efficacy of the Unconscious-based interventions
3. Being alert and ready to recognize patterns emerging from our unconscious mind
4. Being alert and ready to recognize how we react or respond to the patterns emerging from our unconscious mind
5. Learn how to respond to the patterns that emerge from our unconscious mind in a healthy way.

With a new way of responding to the patterns that underlie how we relate to our results comes a new set of patterns at the level of our unconscious mind. This is because relating differently to the current patterns of our unconscious mind will eventually eradicate such patterns. The patterns that will be present will then be those we consciously choose. And this will be the prime example of conscious-unconscious alignment, leading to a healthy relationship with our results, hence a life of satisfaction.

[1] Costa R.M. (2017) Denial (Defense Mechanism). In: Zeigler-Hill V., Shackelford T. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1373-1

[2] Campbell, Lorne, and Tara Marshall. “Anxious attachment and relationship processes: An interactionist perspective.” Journal of personality 79.6 (2011): 1219-1250.

[3] Kassirer, Jerome P., and Richard I. Kopelman. “Cognitive errors in diagnosis: instantiation, classification, and consequences.” The American journal of medicine 86.4 (1989): 433-441.

[4] Buehler, Roger, Dale Griffin, and Johanna Peetz. “The planning fallacy: Cognitive, motivational, and social origins.” Advances in experimental social psychology. Vol. 43. Academic Press, 2010. 1-62.

[5] Keelan, D. P. (2022, February 8). Emotional reasoning: A cognitive distortion with powerful effects. Dr. Patrick Keelan, Calgary Psychologist. Retrieved July 13, 2022, from https://drpatrickkeelan.com/depression/emotional-reasoning-a-cognitive-distortion-with-powerful-effects/